Tart and Soul

Undoubtedly, you’ve heard the news.  Beautiful women love to cheat.  A University of Texas report released this week put forth that “physically attractive women may not only have more alternatives, but also [have] high standards that are difficult to satisfy…they may have fewer reasons to be committed to any particular partner.”

Indiscriminately chosen partners and meaningless sex?  Hot women just can’t get enough.  Something about the chemicals in their ovaries shooting rivers of indecision and sluttishness into their bloodstreams.   

Personally, I find these studies a godsend.  How else are we supposed to keep track of all the monstrous ways women are vandalizing the holy edifice of love?  We need this research to remind us that men are delicate creatures whose fragile hearts must be bubble-wrapped in relationships with undemanding females who will safely incubate their children. 

Remember the Forbes piece suggesting career women with university-level educations suck as mothers and are more likely to divorce?  How about Maureen Dowd’s op-ed about men only wanting to marry their secretaries, in which she concluded, “men think that women with important jobs are more likely to cheat on them.”  Nuggets of wisdom, the both of ‘em. 

The article I read about the U of T study pictured legendary jezebels Liz Taylor and Marilyn Monroe as icons of female debauchery.  Understandable.  What poor guy could possibly hold his own against these powerhouses of psychological might?  Liz’s eight marriages and alcoholism scream of the kind of daunting personal achievement that would scare off any man or mouse.  And Marilyn.  She really had her shit together.

Still, it would be nice if researchers occasionally did studies on why great-looking men cheat.  But I guess that just never happens.  Certainly, only unattractive guys would ever consider dipping their wicks into inappropriate wells.  Look at Liz and Marilyn’s contemporaries in Tinseltown.  Jude Law?  Hideous.  Brad Pitt?  What an ug-bug.  Clooney?  Don’t make me barf.

If there’s anything destroying American civilization and gnawing at our familial bonds, it’s all those beautiful, over-sexed hussies bringing in a second income and wanting their partners to have sex with them.  All those harpies who require their significant others to be intellectual peers, emotional reinforcements and animals in bed.  Thank God men don’t have such outrageous expectations.

Too bad though.  I’ve always thought the reason I’ve never cheated is because I choose partners with whom I can have relationships based on mutual respect, compatibility and lust, and thus, would be less motivated to stray.  I’ve always prided myself on having the ethical makeup and willpower not to give into temptation.  And I’ve been pleased to find I’m mature enough to end unsatisfying relationships rather than ruin them with infidelity.  Come to find out, the only reason I haven’t cheated is because I’m ugly, stupid and have a lousy job.

Good thing I can’t afford an MBA or a boob job.  What a skank I’d be.