Thirty minutes into my first dinner date with Jeff, he leaned across the table and said, “you should know I’m eager to get married. And I want children, probably no more than two. A boy, hopefully, and I’d like him to have my name. How many kids do you want?”
Thus far, Jeff and I had talked about the weather, our jobs and how tasty the Lobster Thermidor looked on the restaurant menu. Now, suddenly, he was asking how committed I was to getting married and raising some kid named Jeff, Jr. My answer? I don’t know your last name. I have no idea whether we like the same music. If you went to the bathroom, I’m not sure I’d recognize you when you came back to the table. Why are we talking about this?
At the first Man Panel, I discovered premature talk from women about nuptials-and-nesting is the bane of every single man’s existence. Apparently, women who don’t talk about long-term domestic aspirations during the first few dates are a refreshing but rare exception to the norm.
I understand. We’re impatient. We’re getting older. Our mothers are commenting on our sagging butts and pressuring us for grandchildren. And it’s cold out here in Single Land.
But lots of singletons are rushing the process of intimacy, virtually ensuring their dates hit the eject button. One panelist groaned about a woman who had her ideal world structured down to the minutest detail – cohabitation in six months, first kid in a year, a dog named Bruno. Her and her prospective hubby’s combined salaries had to reach six figures. Their SUV had to be cherry red or teal. Their home could never contain wall-to-wall carpeting. All she needed was a handsome creature with a penis and paycheck to plop into the puzzle.
I suppose if all you want is to marry and procreate, utilizing this romantic litmus test makes sense, although who would even buy a pair of shoes before seeing how well they fit? Maybe you can commit to a puppy because it’s cute and fits some finite checklist of traits, but human beings have layers of character and complications that take months, more often years, to penetrate. Even shoes need to be broken in.
Some of the Man Panelists blamed this IPod world we live in, where we put other people on “shuffle,” giving them mere seconds to win and keep our attention. No longer do we luxuriate in the process of getting to know one another deeply. Instead, we drag-and-drop the essentials of our perfect partner into a shopping cart and expect them to arrive in a box from Amazon.com.
“What about what I want?” One panelist wondered aloud. “What about my time frame? What if we want the same things and I just need another six months to find out?”
Of course, if two individual life directions conflict, a relationship may not be in the cards. But doesn’t loving someone sometimes create new priorities and change life directions?
Ask me, relationships aren’t only worthwhile if they lead to marriage. Personally, I adore all those tinier, life-altering interactions I’ve had along the way, the ones that make me better for the men I link up with for the long haul.
During our date, Jeff grimaced when he found out I couldn’t ski, but gave me a point for loving sushi. Still, all I could think was, “dude, you already blew it.” Rather than being installed into some weird algorithm in a man’s head, I want to be mysterious to one another, welcoming the future as a blank slate full of possibilities.
At least until the check comes.
Nice Laura! Well said! I ‘ve been on dates like this where the guy wants to fit me into his open slot – usually my hips won’t fit in the space. I’ve also played the role of the ‘eager beaver’ idiot who divulges too much and scares men away after two dates. My moods and behavior on this issue fluctuate, daily, but reading your piece reminds me to chill, relax, and be smarter about dating.
Hmmmm.
It often all depends on where you are in your life, be it male or female. If you have a biological clock ticking loudly in your head, then maybe you don’t want to waste too much time? Some of us don’t want to hear the question of marraige at all! It certainly doesn’t mean much, compared to say… 20 or 30 years ago. So why rush into it? What are you rushing into?
Well composed… and very interesting debates might ensue!
Actually, I’m going to take Jeff’s side on this one.
Jeff wasn’t asking you to marry him, for god’s sakes. He was just trying to weed out incompatibles. Isn’t that obvious?
Sure it’s awkward, and unromantic as well. But it still beats the alternative: squandering your heart, your energy, and your time on people who will never bring you long-term happiness. So I say, grin and let it slide.
I agree that it’s possible to overdo the “checklist” approach. But marriage and kids are two things that are easily defined, and that a couple really need to agree on.
Oh and by the way Laura — so *ARE* you hoping to get married and / or have kids?
Hey Laura!
Great to see you using your talent! I personally think you should truly get to know someone before you make one of the biggest changes in your life. For me and I’m being honest because i use my life as a testamony to others, thinking I was in love and being in love are not the same. If i had know that one man in my life who said he loved me would turn out to be my abuser (10 yr. survivor of domestic violence) I may not have been so ready to move in with him and have 2 children at 19. I would have known key elements about him and known when that anger point hit and he decised to let it out by slapping me or giving me a black eye. If i had taken the time to have more respect for who i was i would have know. I think if someone you meet or are in a realtionship with does not truly know you or what you stand for, and have no intension on wanting to know, do him a favor, pay the check yourself and leave! When you search your life for tru love you only end up with an unfinished fairytail.
When you take the time to find some-one who is the apple to your apple pie then you have struck gold. It won’t always be easy but you will be able to do it together,(married 11 yrs. now) and lean on one another when the whole world is at odds you will know who is in your corner beside you (not behinde you or infront of you) going through it with you and helping to figure out how to fix it or how to pick up the pieces and go on.
Love you Laura! keep writing.
)
I love the part about not being sure you’d recognize him when he comes back from the bathroom!
In a sea of men who have trouble committing, Jeff takes you to dinner at a fancy place (lobster thermidor) and tells you he wants to get married and raise a family. Then he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. Let’s see: the man’s willing to pay for expensive shell fish, wants to commit, and he actually returns from the bathroom. The guy’s a real loser, right? What difference does it make what Jeff’s last name is? You don’t sound like the kind of woman who’s going to take it anyway. Perhaps what’s going on here is that you’ve reached that point in every single girl’s life when throws up her hands in defeat and gets a cat.
Lots of Good information in your post, I favorited your blog so I can visit again in the future, Cheers