Due to my tendency to date emotionally wounded slackers and skirt-chasing alpha males, my friends have determined that I’m incapable of choosing worthwhile partners. This past Christmas, they banded together to buy me an online dating subscription and I’ve been suffering ever since.
Until last Friday’s Man Panel. Before then, I had my doubts. To me, locking eyes with a stranger across a room then unpeeling the layers of his soul is the key ingredient to making romance so delicious. Locking eyes across an information superhighway then downloading answers to contrived, immaterial questions – who would play you in the movie of your life? – is about as romantic as renewing my driver’s license. Still, I’ve been giving it the ol’ college try.
Glancing at my profile, you’d probably assume I’m an artsy, occasionally nerdy, city girl. So imagine my surprise when I was paired with a man whose greatest passion in life is the Boston Bruins and a Paul Bunyan type holding a wide-mouthed bass in his profile picture. My favorite was the guy who answered, “not much,” when asked how often he reads. What a match made in Heaven: a guy who doesn’t read…and a writer.
Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with those men or their interests. My point is that if we’re all paying for some high-tech match-making system, we’re totally getting gypped.
Fortunately, the Man Panel offered encouragement. Research was brought in to show that people do find partners online. In fact, many of the panelists were dating on the Net because they had buddies who found their significant others there. One panelist met his fiancé online.
So, what gets a gal a match? Flattering photos, indicative of your personality and an accurate representation of the way you currently look. No bikini shots unless you’re looking for a booty call. No pics of you holding a martini unless you’re looking for a twelve-step program.
Dig into the essence of who you are, advised the panel, consider what fascinates you about the world, then find interesting ways to say it in a profile. Avoid clichés, negativity and don’t bother apologizing for being online, i.e., “I hate these sites, but here goes…” You’re there, darlin’. Work it.
But there was bad news, too. According to panelist and online dating expert David Evans, not everyone out there is searching for long-term amour. Twenty percent of people are even married or in relationships. And yep, some dudes are only looking for sex.
Then there are the guys who juggle several women at a time. One panelist confessed to creating a spreadsheet to keep track of his most desirable dates, which he categorized in descending order as As, Bs and Cs.
Predictably, these discoveries had the audience in a bit of a tizzy. But Sam Yagan, the CEO and founder of OkCupid.com, made a spectacular point. The realities of dating online are the same when dating “offline.” In both worlds, any guy could be a player or someone else’s husband. In both worlds, you’ll meet dynamos and dullards, but you may also find a gem. As Mr. As, Bs and Cs said, once you meet the A of your dreams, the Bs and Cs disappear.
Though still a bit skeptical, I’m now more open to the prospect of dating online. Maybe the Bruins fan has a kickin’ collection of indie films. Maybe Paul Bunyan can teach me to ski.
Meeting “the One” is like finding a needle in a haystack. Dating online adds more hay, but it may also add a few more needles. Really, it’s a crapshoot. Like dating offline. Like dating anywhere in the world.
Like life.
*Thanks to Sam Yagan at OkCupid.com and David Evans at onlinedatingpost.com.
Very well written… I do think online dating is very much like offline dating in many elements. Certainly it is just as much a crapshoot… and probably less intimidating to some people in many respects.
I have been reading your blog with interest and concern. You express yourself in such a self-assured and polished manner it is no wonder you are able to make your living writing. At the same time, it is a shame you cannot find a man with the same alacrity with which you write about not being able to find a man. I am thinking it might be a good idea for you to state, in a forthright manner, exactly what you are looking for. For instance, we know you want the early encounter to be romantic. And you expect the man to appreciate indie movies. You are someone who reads so you want a mate who reads. Sounds like you prefer ordering sushi to watching the Boston Bruins. Being “arty” you probably wonder what all the fuss is about with spectator sports. These characteristics I have gleaned from your blog entries. I am sure there are more. Why don’t you just announce your preferences? What are you looking for? Someone to marry? Do you want kids? If music is important to you, what type music must your suitor listen to? Younger guy? Older guy? Religious? Breast man? Foot fetishist? Exactly what are you looking for?
hmmm. ben? this is a blog. the reason the arty, picky writer hasn’t, in a forthright manner, written exactly what she wants is because this is a blog and not an online dating site.
and by the way sweetie – and here i’m addressing the arty, picky writer not the interested, concerned reader – it’s my favorite blog. not only are you self-assured and polished, you’re fuckin’ funny.
Stepha, I think you just threw salt on Ben’s game. Don’t interrupt the man’s implicit courting dance *wink*
OMG! This was hilarious! That’s so true–they give writers the illiterate guys. Where was this Man Panel? Very interesting!
Hi Erin,
Thanks for your comment! Glad you liked the blog. The Man Panel is in Boston, it happens the last Friday of every month. Check out http://www.ManPanel.com. If you’re in town, we’d love to see you there!
I love the concept of a “Man Panel,” and think the assessment of on-line vs. “real world” dating is dead on too. On-line dating just gives another avenue to date…or to cheat.
I also agree on being totally upfront with on-line profiles – I hear so many stories of misrepresentation from both males and females. What these folks don’t understand is that by presenting an outdated photo or trumped up profile, that their setting themselves up, and the other person, for disappointment.
I have a friend who went on a date with a guy who went as far as using someone else’s picture! He figured he’d win her over with his sparkling personality. Starting off a relationship with deception is not the way to go, nor was he anything like the type of guy she was physically attracted to.
I would love to hear some of your dating stories for a book that I’m writing called “Stories From The Dating Trenches.” Visit my site at http://www.MyDateStories.com. Oh yea, and I’m dating a guy who has not picked up a book since college – go figure! The good news is that he NEVER corrects my English
I always thought the same thing others here have mentioned about online dating – that it’s the same as “real-life” dating, just more hay in a bigger haystack and therefore, hopefully, more needles.
However, I’ve been reading the book Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. In it, one of the irrational behaviors he identifies that we are all often predictably guilty of is not making a choice AT ALL when we have too many options. If this is the case in online dating, it does mean that having all those profiles in front of us does make us behave irrationally. It makes it harder for us to choose to settle on one person – probably even if that person is someone we would be head-over-heels for if we met them in our everyday life. We may not even be able to see an individual’s positive characteristics when we the awareness of all those choices out there.
Just something to think about…
I’ve had some very interesting experiences. The worst are the jerks who write a convincing epistle on how they are looking for their soulmate, and want someone just like the best friend they lost contact with, and carry on about how they will spoil you, when all they are really looking for is another notch in their belt, and don’t intend to ever be seen with you outside of their basement after that first date. Beware, girls! Hammer them on this, before they get a chance to hammer you. Insist on meeting their kids first. If you are treated by the kids like you are #67 this year, you really are #67. If the kids think you are fascinating, you are fascinating to their dad. Thanks to the miracle of technology, I have been able to confirm my suspicions
.
The group that has me most on the floor laughing, are the ones that block me forever, because I haven’t met them in their favorite bar after only 3 emails. One declared us “not on the same page.” Little does he know how wild and passionate I can be (and have been, multiple times a night, 7 nights in a row, with my boyfriend, interrupted only by my business trip), but I needed to filter out the impatient obsessive control freaks first. Whew, another one safely gone
. Funniest thing was that I met my boyfriend over Craig’s list, for something totally unrelated to dating. We had so much in common from our very first meeting, that he invited me to use some free tickets he got from his cousin, and so, after a full week of seeing him platonicly, we just couldn’t take it anymore, and now we can’t keep our hands off each other.
My current 2 year relationship started online, with a “wink”. He stumbled across my profile first and we met for drinks within 24 hrs since both of our busy schedules left us with only the briefest of opportunities that week.
Interestingly enough, several weeks later I received a match-suggestion from our dating website declaring him to be a 97% match.
We are both over 40, strong-willed and somewhat set in our ways. Both of us had been dating for awhile with little long-term success. Our chemistry was instant and gave us the initiative to negotiate through a mine field of shared baggage from previous relationships.
Even though we come from different cultures/countries, the amount of perspectives and principles we shared was startling…and we discovered we lived in the same metro area.
I would not have considered this person to be my “match” based only on his profile and first email — he didn’t meet my imaginary “criteria” by which I was gauging other dating prospects from the dating site.
Take a chance. Be open minded. Enjoy the adventure!
how exactly are a panel of fags supposed to relate to what real men want? of course they told you stuff to make you happy. that’s what fags do. they try to tell you what you want to hear. men tell u the cold hard truth.
either you are fat fugly bitch who needs to lower your standards or you’re a clueless bitch who needs to learn how to suck dick better. this isn’t rocket science.
HAHAHAHAHHAA…. Stewie, I think you are reading the wrong blog.
This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over your head.
SpainMama, LOLOLOL i’m sorry but you must have thought i cared about attracting fat fugly rejected dumb cunts like you.. run along now and go herd your 200 cats you dumb cunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt:)
hahahahhahahahahahahhaha
Oh, snap! You *almost* got me… except that:
1. I am allergic to cats
2. Have been very happily married for 9 years, with two gorgeous, smart kids, who, at 6 and 4, have more common sense and education than you (no offense, it’s just what I gather from your comments)
3. Frankly, well, I am beautiful… inside and out. Not to brag, but things are as they are. It’s not my credit, just good genes.
The thing is, though, that, thankfully, this is not about you. The spirit of this blog is to provoke thoughtful, fun, and spirited conversation and debate about relationships. When I participate, I try to give the perspective of someone in my situation (described above). Although I am not seeking a relationship, I find the comments and articles thought-provoking and insightful. I think Laura is a hell of a writer and an intelligent, sensitive and interesting woman.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, of course. But it seems that you are incapable of either formulating one or expressing yours.
You seem, well… empty.
And now, you’ll have to excuse me, but I have better things to do.