When you hold a student loan large enough to cancel out third-world debt and regularly wear second-hand clothes, it’s not unusual to dream up ways to improve your financial lot. Some women fantasize about a rich Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet, but I’ve never been one to imagine romance as a means to financial success. Women who use sex to lure the wealthy have always seemed to me like swindlers who disgrace the female gender and kill the spirit of love.
Then along came a man who said those four little words every woman supposedly wants to hear.
“Can I keep you?”
I met the Professor, a political science scholar and ‘60s era activist, years ago at an academic conference. He was a lanky man with bulbous eyes, a silver mane of oddball-academic hair and a slobbery old guy mouth he kept dabbing with a handkerchief. Not exactly Robert Redford in a tux.
My hunch said the Professor harbored a crush, but considering that age-wise, there were five presidential administrations and one world war separating us, I assumed he’d be content with friendship. Over time, we shared sporadic emails about the plight of the world’s oppressed people, and the occasional dinner when he was in town.
Then one night, he popped the question. We were eating at a restaurant at the Sheraton where he was staying for the weekend. Two minutes after we’d finished a debate about whether feminism is a legitimate political movement (he didn’t think so) the Prof said, “I invited you out tonight because I have a proposition. I want a relationship with you. Yes, there’s an age difference, and I know you’re hoping to have a meaningful relationship with a man your age, but I wouldn’t place any restrictions on you. When I’m in town, I’d simply like someone to spend time with, someone to sleep with. I may be old, but I still know how to please a woman.”
My first instinct was to hurl and make a run for it, but the Prof was staring back at me with wet, lonely eyes. Being the bleeding heart I am, I stayed and tried not to hurt his feelings.
“Oh,” I said. “How nice of you.”
“You’re surprised.”
“One way to describe it.”
“Well,” he chuckled. “You don’t think men ask you to dinner because they want to eat, do you?”
“Actually,” I told him, starting to feel peeved. “I do. And I certainly don’t expect them to ask me to become their kept woman. Why would I want that for myself?”
“You’re a starving artist,” he answered. “You stay in hostels when you travel and can’t afford expensive dinners. Stick with me and you get the Sheraton and prime rib.”
The Sheraton, I thought. What a gyp. Still, I wondered. What if all the things I’ve sacrificed to live this artsy, not-for-profit life – good wine, exotic travel destinations, clothes that don’t come off the sale rack – were suddenly provided by a sexy rich dude who just happened to be older than the hills? What if the Prof really did look like Robert Redford? What if he paid off my debt and offered up a better hotel? Would I have considered his indecent proposal?
Anyway, the point was moot as I wasn’t sitting across from the Sundance Kid. I was sitting across from the Slobbery Grandfather taunting me with a pervy grin. Here was a guy who spent a lifetime defending the world’s political underdogs and fighting the powers that be. Yet, he couldn’t see how asking a young woman for a roll in the hay in exchange for a good cut of meat might be a tad dehumanizing.
Even more maddening was the recognition of how often these scenarios occur. One of my girlfriends had a married father of two begging her to become his piece on the side. A guy that refused to give my female colleague the relationship she wanted, still expected her to be available for late-night trysts. Most men are decent human beings who bow out upon realizing they can’t provide what a woman needs, but there are still those who want what they want and don’t consider what’s in it for the other person. Obviously, women do, too, though they don’t usually ask anyone to give up love and real companionship in order to become some chump’s sex toy.
El Profesor played it cool when I turned down his offer and our friendship gradually petered out. Since then, whenever I make my way to the back of department stores toward the discount racks, or skip an appetizer I can’t afford, I pride myself on being the kind of gal who’d never go for the Prof’s kind of proposal.
Though truth be told, if I’m still paying off this dag-blasted student loan in ten years, he may just get a call.
Some old dude tried to proposition me at a Greyhound bus station when I was traveling home from college. He wanted to be my “friend” so he could take me shopping and what not. I tried to get him to buy a painting.
When I was in grad school, moonlighting as an artist, I met a fantastic artist whose work I admired. He was 20 years my senior and very inspirational, until his married arse asked me out to dinner.
Sad thing is, this stuff happens a LOT. It’s bad enough that they refuse to acknowledge that their bodies have expiration dates, just like women…on top of that they are still trying to use women as toys. That’s nothing but a d@mn shame.
His proposition was your cue to get him to finance your next big project. If this ever happens again, just batt your eyelashes and say “this project would mean soooo much more to me than hotels and steak dinners.”
Meh, I’m just talkin’. I don’t know if I could bring myself to do even that much.
Student loans and relationships: that’s an entirely real can of worms in today’s world very few people are willing to open. Sure you can date and get to third base / fourth base, whatever those mean (is a lasting relationship possible without a solid “base”?), but whose prepared to shoulder those stultifying obligations in the face of dewy-eyed courtship? Forcing financial paralysis on future generations in the name of education might not only prove foolish, it could also become socially dangerous. For what kind of society can be formed without meaningful social pairbonding?
Nice piece.
Eeeeeek. Sounds pretty skeevy to me, but I know there are people – women and men… that would choose this type of “arrangement” over struggling. There are wealthy women who offer similar situations to hot young studs… (“cougars”?)…
Great piece, really excellent – and definitely a ghastly situation. So here’s a thought. Years ago I had a colleague in the same league as your prof, and I had to have a serious talk with him as he was propositioning just about every female in the whole company. His reply in defending his actions was stunning. He said that in his experience if he asked fifty women at least one would accept his sleazy offer, and since that was all he wanted he didn’t really care if he outraged the other forty-nine.
I wonder: if each of the offended women had slugged him instead of being nice and leaving early, do you think he’d have carried on behaving that way? Most people, especially men, do what they think they can get away with. Until someone stops them, that is.
Actually, it has been my experience that more often it is the young women who initiate the relationship. I am a widower, well-educated (PhD Chemistry), of above-average means and (or so the women tell me) not hard to look at. Of course I take their opinion with a grain or two of salt, but then, men are not as obsessed with their appearance as are women. No men’s magazines telling us we’re fat an ugly since we turned 14, I guess.
I have had four women as “sugar babes” or “kept women” in twenty years. I am of the belief that I will meet my very beloved wife again in the afterlife, so I will not marry again since we had children together. I have taken care of my ladies well, the first three and I parted on good terms and the fourth and I are still an item.
All four of the women initiated the pursuit. The first was a former subordinate of mine (I did not date her while we had a supervisor/subordinate relationship, that’s pervy), The next two were women I had met through the college where I sometimes teach. One was a former student, and one was a member of the faculty. My current SB/KW is a 32 year old artist (I am 56) with a penchant for painting nudes and fantasy art. I support her and her art. One of my hobbies is photography and she uses many of the pictures I take of her in and out of costume as models for her paintings.
We treat each other with respect. I see nothing wrong with the situation. She benefits, I benefit and not just sexually. I like to stretch my mind and, being a scientist, art keeps me mentally limber. She is brilliant, very well-read, a great conversationalist and stunningly beautiful. She pursues her art without worries, we travel together three or four times per year, and I mix new pigments for her with varying iridescent properties. And, of course, we have a rich physical relationship. I do not drool, I am not fat (6’2″ 180 pounds), and I am not bald (just going gray at the temples). My only real physical fault is that I snore like a mule when I lay on my back. When we’re together, she punches me in the ribs after she’s had enough, I roll on my side and things are quiet again.
Thanks, Erik, for a really thoughtful response to the Sugar Daddy blog post. You sound like quite a catch and the kind of man a woman would be lucky to have. Continued success with your romantic adventures!
Laura
Arthritis in dogs can be a huge issue that many people never even think of in senior dogs.
You will find obviously quite a lot of details just like that to take into account. That´s a perfect point to bring up. I will offer you the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly you can find questions like the one you bring up exactly where the most necessary thing will be working in honest very good faith. I don´t know if most useful practices have emerged around things like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game.