I finally had one of those moments when you discover an ex has gotten married and your world momentarily collapses. Facebook was innocently trolling my email address book looking for new users who could become my friends. Martin popped up and when I clicked on his profile picture, I saw him looking mighty fine in a grey tux smooching some babe in a wedding dress.
Ouch. Yuck. Puke.
Many of my exes have gotten married and the news hasn’t ruffled my feathers. Even my ex-husband has a new wife and I feel nothing but joy for him. I’ve remained buddies with most of the men who’ve been in my life, especially with the advent of Facebook. All of these guys could get married, father a boat-load of children and be so rapt in domestic bliss that stars shoot from their ears. I’d still be able to offer them a sincere, “yay for you!”
But not this one. Martin was a Dutch guy working on a Masters in political science at a Spanish university. He and I met back in ’03 after I’d moved to Madrid from New York. What started out as an expat-gone-wild fling, turned into nearly two years of off-and-on romance, mutually discovered passion and an unearthing of one another’s souls. Martin’s presence made me re-examine my life, he became a muse and confidante.
But he was also flaky and unsure of himself, and in the end wouldn’t be mine. Ultimately, he went back to his Dutch homeland where “real life” awaited him, leaving me bed-ridden with the flu like some heartbroken maiden in a Victorian novel. The men I dated after Martin wondered how I could be so cold, never knowing I’d been seduced and abandoned like a raging Medusa with snakes in her hair. Any man who looked at me could have turned to stone.
I’m not one of those nutty dames who try to destroy the lives of people who’ve wronged them. I’m mature enough to accept that even men who are unwilling to fulfill my romantic desires can still be friends. I’m forgiving and nice. I trip over my own shoelaces to avoid stepping on ants.
So imagine my shame upon discovering how nasty I could feel toward a person. After the breakup, I’d get messages from Holland where Martin admitted life wasn’t so swell. When he confessed to feeling lost, I was pleased. When a new romance he’d begun fizzled, I cackled like a demon. In the film Sexy Beast, Ben Kingsley plays a maniac who wants to ruin his ex-girlfriend’s new relationship with another man, telling them, “I won’t let you be happy, why should I?” Seeing the movie after Martin’s departure, I thought, ‘I’m with you, Ben.’
Flash forward to 2009 where Martin had become a fond but distant memory…until I saw his wedding photo. As if the wind had been knocked out of me, I ran from the house and roamed the streets with tears streaming down my cheeks like a disoriented victim of a car crash.
Blubbering on the phone with a friend about how one of the great loves of my life had gone on to find happiness without me, I started listening to my own complaints. The conversation began with Martin, but moved onto the men I’d known since him, and ended with my feelings about my career. Whether I was getting closer or farther away from my goals. Whether my life was rich enough to keep my creative fire burning. Whether I still liked the neighborhood I was living in, whether my friendships were supportive enough, whether it was time to rethink my relationship with my finances.
Really, I was agonizing about everything that was supposed to have happened in my life since I last saw Martin, including finding someone I cared about as much as him. A fragment of my heart still burst knowing he was someone else’s passion or problem. But if I was satisfied with my own world, I wouldn’t give a rat’s behind about his.
In the end, I was able to wish Martin happiness. I’m glad for him and hope he makes the best of his new life.
Meanwhile, I’ve got my own work to do.
A guy getting his “masters in political science” unsure of himself? Flaky? Sounds like he missed his calling. Maybe he should have been a guitar player or something . It is good to know that the Dutch are “keeping it real” among the tulips and all but why the angst about the tepid political scientist at this point?Or does this have nothing to do with Martin? Did Martin sense that he would never live up to your ideal of what he should be? Having read several of your blogs now I’m guessing that you may be an inmate in the prison of infinite options and the “martins” of the world have little or no chance of gaining entry into your life. Paul Simon wrote in “Kodachrome”- “If you took all the girls I knew when I was single-lined ‘em up against the wall- they’d never match my sweet imagination”……..He pretty much summed up the state of affairs these days with that line.
No matter how hard we try, the only people that we get involved with are flawed humans-whether they be lovers or friends,or business partners or whatever. If we happen upon someone who has 6 of the 10 things we need in a lover(or think we need),we’ve won the lottery.If we let that person go in hopes of findinf someone who has 8,we deserve all of the loneliness that life has to offer.
WE’re all flaky and unsure of ourselves inspite of what some may consider lofty credentials(political science?!really?you’re better of with someone who is a master mechanic.You know,someone who actually knows how to do something)
As I write this,I’ve become aware that the no. 1 movie is yet another romantic comedy -no doubt involving two terminally cute people who will have us all weeping uncontrollably with tears of happiness as they wrap up another formulaic bit of emotional pornography .Attend a screening at your local cineplex tomorrow afternoon and see who’s buying this crap.But I warn you, it won’t be a good place to meet dudes.Diet plans and romantic fantasies are your big sellers, my friends – Hmmmm…..(Two morbidly obese people meet at a LA diet clinic. As the movie progresses, they both lose wait and become cuter. At the end, they realise that they love each-other and no longer need to eat a whole cake to be fulfilled.The “movie diet” is available at the concession stand ……..)
Keep up the good work- you’re a great writer and the first thing I read every monday.
Re: “Did Martin sense that he would never live up to your ideal of what he should be? Having read several of your blogs now I’m guessing that you may be an inmate in the prison of infinite options and the “martins” of the world have little or no chance of gaining entry into your life.”
??? I got the impression that Martin was a part of her life and had abandoned her, not the other way around.
get.a.life.frank.
(and learn to spell if you’re going to make comments nearly as long as the blogs)
I relate to so much of your writing…I don’t think we cry and feel pain unless we’ve really felt love and attachment to someone. I’m in the middle of leaving a relationship that cannot possibly work and it is more painful than anything I’ve felt in such a long time. At 42, I imagine myself old and alone even though I know better than to paint my future so pitifully. But I get discouraged and tired. I forget to be kind to myself. I don’t want to forget how much I care. I try to remind myself that to feel pain is at least a reminder that I’m capable of loving. But still, it would be so much nicer to be far removed from this time, in a different emotional place where the world seems more kind, more nurturing and gentle on my heart…
Hmmm…I am a young college student just starting my own life. I enjoy reading blogs because it helps me gain experience without necessarily dealing with a problem firsthand. Yet, from this blog, and many others I have read, I get the impression that I should either settle down early or I am going to be alone the rest of my life. That’s a very scary thing to face. However, I have so many goals and ambitions that I am considering breaking things off with my current boyfriend to better follow my dreams. I want to explore the world and be young and free and make a difference, but I don’t want to be older and alone either. This blog just has me asking all kinds of questions now. Hmm….
I was left on the sidewalk like so much unwanted leftovers five months ago by a woman who only shortly before telling me she wasn’t emotionally engaged had been talking about wanted to get married etc. Long story short she knew she had personal “issues” that have prevented her from being in any type of long term healthy relationships for her 40 tortured years on this planet but hide them from me and lead me down the garden path. At the end of the day there is no excuse for behaving like an ass. Sure every relationship doesn’t work out and things change etc. but if someone lies to you about who they are or their capabilities I see no problem with holding it against them as long as one wants. My opinion on this stuff is that I’ll say it’s ok because I’ve learned more about myself and my needs as soon as the the Israelis say what the Nazi’s did was ok because it helped them get a country.
Scott, sorry to hear your story. Sending you my best.
Laura