The other night, I met a real-life womanizer. A handsome attorney named Steven sidled up to me at a bar during a political fundraiser. As he flirted over conversation about the local senate race, he was charming and complimentary of all my lady loveliness. Because he hung on my every word and got a kick out of my jokes, I felt deliciously clever and sexy.
When Steven asked for my number, I wasn’t sure whether to be more dazzled by his wit, his smile…or the light shining across the gold band on his left hand.
Among oversexed men, womanizers are a unique breed. They’re not the same as players. Like the sleezeball, predatory exploits in Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell,” player activity is all about putting whatever power these boys wield toward conquest and busting a nut. Tuck made a small fortune and gets laid beyond his wildest dreams but, like most players, he obviously doesn’t really like women, at least not smart, together ones.
Meanwhile, commitment-phobes buzz around avoiding confrontation with their fears. A Frenchman I knew had a monstrous reputation for bed-hopping, but admitted, “Women scare me a bit” after we became friends. Still, players and commitment-phobes often have a long line of tail available to them for accidental reasons like good looks, undeserved fame or the huge population of insecure girls who dig chumps.
But womanizers love women and ain’t one bit afraid of them. I became fully aware of the power of these men when I briefly met the King of Womanizers, Bill Clinton, at an event years ago. Slick Willie, I never considered attractive. But darn it, if I didn’t feel like the only woman on the planet when he said hello. When he gave me the Clinton handshake – holding my hand while simultaneously squeezing my elbow – my knees weren’t the only thing knocking.
Womanizers are Kennedys, the James Bonds and Don Drapers of the world, men whose promiscuity is met with a giddy roll of the eyes because they’re charismatic and apparently so generous sexually. Womanizers are smart, successful and tantalizingly out of reach. Connoisseurs of the ladies, they make us feel intriguing because they are truly intrigued by every gal they meet. They especially like women with mystery and pluck, females who’ll join them in a bit of sexual gamesmanship and allow themselves to be seduced.
So what’s the appeal? Clinton was still loved by his female supporters even when he pulled a Lewinsky. Draper is a complete hound dog but no female Mad Men fan can deny feeling fire in her loins when Don gets frisky. Like he said last season, Kennedy’s womanizing only made him more appealing to female voters. And it’s not just famous or powerful womanizers who get our motors runnin’.
Is it women’s alleged biological urge toward the alpha-male? Is being chosen by a man with so much sexual expertise like being officially branded desirable? How can a guy be a bulbous-nosed chub monster like Bill Clinton and women still wanna do him?
I can’t speak for the whole of my gender, but I may have an idea what the appeal is for me. I think, well, maybe I’d like to be a womanizer. But, y’know, a female version. A Manizer.
Most interesting women I know would love to rule a country or a company, be the magnetic center of every party and sleep with the best-looking people in the room. These women might like to flirt with everything in a jock strap yet receive a forgiving turn of the cheek when they get caught “dipping their wick” in the wrong pot of ink. They might like to be compelling, self-directed, sexually explosive supernovas without being labeled bitches or easy. And who wouldn’t want the kind of freedom that allows one to be a self-indulgent scoundrel like David Letterman or a fat, old, mole-covered Jack Nicholson yet still get loads of success and booty?
So maybe it’s Freudian. We don’t envy the penis but the privilege attached to it.
When I’m hooked on a guy, the rest of the male population disappears. Someone could offer to slip me inside a Clooney/Denzel Man Sandwich and I’d say, “no thanks, boys, I’m in loooove.” Really, I’m not interested in sleeping around and am too faithful to be a Manizer. But I wouldn’t mind the other advantages.
In the end, I didn’t give Steven my number. But the interaction left me asking a question that’s baffled women for ages – how to reap the benefits of life as a womanizer, without having to sleep with one.
hahahah you stupid cunt are you kidding me? you’re just angry that guys like me get all the HOT PUSSY . we’re not looking for fugly fat short little hags like you that need 2 paper bags over your head. get over yourself dumb cunt LOL
As ever, thoughtful, contemplative, and well-stated.
I think the reason womanizers get all the other “extras” you’re so interested in (“compelling, self-directed, sexually explosive supernovas [...] and freedom that allows one to be a self-indulgent”) is precisely because of their inability to become emotionally attached. Emotional detachment does have it’s advantages from to time to time and in certain situations. And that is a skill that can be trained. But what good is life when one is cold-hearted, calculating bastard?
The gender theorists out there would point to an inherent systemic inequality. I don’t totally disagree with that, but one thing is for sure: anyone can make a good thing out of a bad situation, and we shouldn’t forget alpha-chicks like Cleopatra. Anyone can charm and schmooz and flirt. Once that happens, you’ve get them — men and women — eating out of your hand.
Wow.
That “Genius” guy sure has a way with vocabulary. I bet that’s how he “gets” all the ladies, with his fine verbal prowess…
… or perhaps he just pretends he’s mute.
I’d certainly wear two paper bags over my head if that would guarantee that I wouldn’t be approached by the likes of him.
Hahahahaha. He kills me! Hahahahaha….
From the male perspective many of us have fantasies of being womanizers, being able to conquer women like lions taking down gazelles on the savanna. But I think womenizing and manizing stem from a deep, inconsolable sense of insecurity from both the “nizer” and the “nizee”.
I think the “nizer” needs constant validation and recognition because they really do not believe in the charming and debonair person who struts around soirees and lounges. The irony is that these people are surrounded by adoring admirers, but they are profoundly alone–alone because they are terrified of revealing to the larger world who they really are and terrified of having that genuine self rejected. So they make up a super-persona, that is appealing to everyone, but is not authentic and over time obscures their true identity.
I think the “nizee” on the other hand seeks validation in the charming rogue who prowls the room. The “nizee” wants nothing more than to be chosen. She/he will act as though they do not notice the “nizer” and act completely surprised when he flashes his vulpine grin at her, while the whole time wanting it more than anything else. Inside they say, “I am the prettiest/handsomest in the room? I finally have proof to contradict how I actually feel about myself.” And I think the “nizer” has a similar reaction, “They all like me! Me! They see me, they notice me! Just me!” For both, a toxic blend of narcism and insecurity.
But these dynamics are predicated on the “nizer” putting his/her emotional needs above anyone else’s. The need for the “Me” to be seen and validated trumps any sense of empathy or awareness of other people’s needs. To “nize” someone, one must first identify what the “nizee” wants, then allude to the possibility that it can be provided; this is all done very subtly. it’s like keeping a feather balanced on a stream of air, too hard in one direction or too soft in another and the feather falls to the floor, the “nizer” is a pro at keeping the feather (hope) aloft. We can all be glib and cavalier about this, but it’s sociopathic and predatory. That a person will put there own insatiable need for validation above acting compassionately towards their fellow human reserves them a cold and lonely seat on the outskirts of the human community. And ultimately that is where they end up, because they are too scared to reveal to anyone (including themselves) their true self. The “nizee” deserves some of this contempt as well, because the wolves wouldn’t eat if their were no sheep. We all want to get laid, which is fine, but be upfront about it, don’t play with peoples’ hopes and aspirations.
A little shout out to “Genius”. Brushing aside the fact that you called a good friend of mine a cunt, and conceding any revenge to karma, I would say that you exemplify a person who has that kernel of insecurity imbedded deep in your psyche and a person who harms people in order to feel a moment of true self confidence. You may find that being selflessly kind to people, without asking for anything in return, shatters that hard, black pit in the middle of your heart.
Hey
i’m on team Laura.
As for the “man” who wrote in with all the put downs,
You obviously have a small package.
Oh and by the way, you have no balls and cannot be called a gentleman.
Instead, you are an insecure asshole who is masquerading with bravado.
To borrow a phrase from Jen, I’m on team Laura as well.
First off, excellent writing as always Laura.
In another state of mind, I may have been angered by the idea of casting even a single photon of positive light on a womanizer and his deeds. However, while the idea of “just enjoying women” is technically selfish, it isn’t entirely harmful.
I’m even considering being a “manizer” myself. I’ve recently started working on breaking my “Goldielocks” habit…checking out one bowl of porridge and casting it aside to try the next one. Instead of treating “non-potentials” like they no longer exist in my world, I’ve worked on keeping in touch with all the friendly, seemingly harmless guys.
I’ve often discovered after some chat, these guy hold some pleasant surprises. I still don’t consider them partner material (for specific reasons) but I’m warming up to the idea of just enjoying their presence and flirting for flirting’s sake.
So far, I’ve accomplished this online (smile) but plan on graduating to face-to-face “manizing.” I’ve got the equipment to charm (great smile, friendly presence, wit), why not have fun with it?
Great post. The great thing about womanizers is that they actually notice YOU — not just the fact that you have tits and a vagina. Also, they don’t brag about all the “HOT PUSSY” they get. So even when you know said womanizer is just enjoying the game for one evening, you know that for that evening you are the focus of his attention. Which is 100% attractive. I think many women feel like the men around them don’t really look at them as individuals. (There are probably a fair number of men who feel the same way about the women around them.) I’ve knowingly gone out with a womanizer or two, knowing that I would be well-treated in the brief amount of time involved and wouldn’t be bothered by obsessive phone calls after the fact. Also that I wouldn’t be hearing about how he scored from any of idiotic friends of his.
Similarly, being a “Manizer” isn’t all bad. So go for it, Karmella. Flirting/sexual tension/mutual appreciation — it makes the world go ’round. You don’t have to become Samantha from Sex and the City, tagging every yoga instructor in sight. Unless you have the stamina and inclination, of course.
TRUTH THAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
because getting sex is too easy for women. you can never be the studs, the players and the MANizers (whatever the heck that means) because this is not something that is difficult.
regular young women with mediocre personalities can get as much sex with men as they want and all they have to do is BE WILLING.
its men who have to work hard to get sex without promising you a commitment. they have to be goodlooking, have charming personalities and spend time and effort to seduce you. they have to earn fame and popularity, wealth and power of the Clintons and the Bonds in order to sleep with tons of women.
what do you women have to do? JUST BE WILLING and there will always be men out there for the taking.
ever wondered why its men who pay for sex and women dont.
so i would tell you to quit whining and recognize the privilege of potentially unlimited sex with men, that nature has granted you just for being an ordinary young female. and remember that for every womanizer, stud or player there are a 1000 men who have a hard time getting only a single woman in bed because you have reserved your vaginas for the knights in shining armour (women are selective about casual sex)
i have a better suggestion to you women…why dont you become like men when it comes to sex?…quit playing the sex withholding games and looking at sex as some fcuking gift you bestow upon men. a gift that you only allow the womanizer to STEAL away from you without marrying you or taking you on 5 dates.
and hell with the gender feminists who say there are no differences in sexualities of men and women.
Right!!! So Right!!!!
SpainMama how wrong!
“SAM” it must be you with the insecurities. You are so PC that the lie is obvious!!!
There’s a difference between just having sex with any bozo because it’s easy to get, and having fun with the game of catching interesting, sexy and charismatic persons Timothy. You’re talking about the players, and missing the clear differences she’s described here between players and womanizers. And for women, there’s a higher likelyhood that sex will be “bad” sex than for men who have an easier time “getting off” than most women, so just being able to get laid easier with any joe is not beneficial to women looking for something satisfying, vs women who just need some attention without regard for quality.
Timothy, I think you’re overlooking many of the reasons that women might not BE WILLING (creepy use of caps, btw) to sleep with just any dude: pregnancy, disease, abuse – all statistically more likely to harm women. Not to mention Rachel’s excellent point about what many women are looking for.
Sam, great post, you hit the nail on the head.
Laura, very thought provoking, thanks.
Love the idea. Maybe men’s jeans info could guide someone out there.