A member of my family was just in the hospital for an out-of-the-blue medical emergency. For a couple days things were dicey and the whole lot of us was concerned. It’s hard to worry about your career, love life or even your soul when a person who used to change your diapers and sneak you Twinkies when your mom wouldn’t let you eat them, is lying unconscious in a hospital.
Lately, I keep coming across articles and essays, surveys and polls, how-to books and talk shows about how to be happy. I even wrote about it last week. Supposedly, America is one enormous pool of misery and the majority of us are swimming in it.
My kin got through the emergency and safely made it home. When I heard, I raised a glass to him and thanked the universe, God, Oprah, anyone who would listen. And then I realized what all those happiness polls get wrong. They ask about work, political progress, structural hierarchies both professionally and personally. What they should be asking is, ‘how are your relationships?’ ‘How are you and your peeps doin’?’ For most Americans, the answer would probably be, ‘pretty crappy.’
Tell me I got six weeks to live and I promise you I wouldn’t spend those last days in an office, a new car or a shoe store. I wouldn’t be poring over stock prices or fawning over the gradual rise of my salary over the course of my career. Though politics is crucial and entertainment is fun, I don’t think I’d regret missing out on seeing whether women get equal pay or if Jennifer Aniston ever finds a soul mate.
On my death bed, I’d probably recall the first time I saw Grease and realized the world was bigger than my Ohio hometown (yes, Grease!) I’d think about seeing Michelangelo’s David in person. And there’s this pizza I had in Chicago I know I’d be thinking about when I take that last walk through the tunnel toward the light.
But what I’d really remember is my grandmother’s laugh, the birth of my first baby sister, special moments while babysitting my second. I’d think of watching Mickey Rourke movies with my best friend in high school and meeting my first real love in college. Christmases, weddings, even office parties. And vacations! Prague with Jackie, Istanbul with Leah. I’d thank Andrew for running across Madrid to comfort me during low expat moments, Eric and Carl for talking me down from heartbreak during calls in the middle of the night, Trina and Chris for putting up with my drama. Thank Dan and Stepha for just being Dan and Stepha.
Women, especially, always receive a roll of the eyes when they worry about relationships and make them central to their lives. But relating ain’t just chick stuff. Yeah, by the end, I hope I’ll have had a beautiful house with a garden. A kickass literary career. Piles of ticket stubs from travels around the world. But I know what it’s truly all about. People make the world go ’round. People are happiness. Sure, people can royally suck sometimes, too, but I suppose that’s the nature of the beast.
So, I guess this means we really should be playing Monopoly with our kids and reading them Dr. Seuss every night. After we get married, we have to make sure not to lose contact with all the other people who meant something to us before the big day. We gotta get along with our crazy relatives and work shit out with our parents. And finding someone we can love deeply then work hard to keep loving them once we do? Yeah, we need to make that happen.
I mean, all this other stuff is fab, y’know, the job, material success, art, social change. But it all means jack squat if working so hard at it keeps us away from each other.
I can feel all the cynics out there gagging over this giant schmaltz fest of a blog post. I can see them flipping me the bird and suggesting I go write greeting cards. I could be a miserable American and tell them to bite me. But I could also say, go hug your mom.
And be happy.
You sometimes need something or someone to SLAP you back to reality in terms of “what is important”.
We take a lot for granted in the good ol’ USA… because most everyone has necessities and some nice stuff, and toys and baubles. But it ain’t everywhere else… where family friends and relationships are predominantly more important.
One of the biggest difference between my generation (generation X) and my parents (the baby boomers), is that my parents grew up with more than one sibling and lot of uncles, aunts, and cousins, where as I have a sister, and my children only have three aunts (all of whom live thousands of miles away), no uncles, and only one cousin (and they are not likely to get any more).
The social structure within most developed countries has changed dramatically in the past two generations with a dramatic decrease in the size of immediate families, and in addition to that we move around a lot more (usually out of necessity), which has caused us to become a lot more socially isolated with a feeling that we have a lot fewer people looking out for us or who we can go to when we are down or in need of help.
In general people don’t like going to strangers for support, and adults have a tough time forming tight bonds with people they didn’t know as children, and in America people are quite sue happy and extremely paranoid of “the other”. If you are lonely or fearful of getting laid-off at work, who exactly do you have to go to, and when was the last time you went to a reunion or party with your family members and close friends?
Life hasn’t become more difficult to live, but we have made it harder on ourselves to form strong relationships, and as a consequence we are a lot more lonely, a lot more vulnerable, a lot more paranoid, and a lot more susceptible to advertisers and other people who seek to profit off of our desire to escape misery (whether it comes from weight, aging, or other factors that reduce self-confidence or self-esteem).
Svutlov
Funny, but Saturday night, a friend and I were talking about very similar things, and I had the realization as I said it, that one of the things I like about mortality is that it gives meaning and purpose to life, to not take the things we want, the people we love, for granted. He said he wanted to live to be 200, I said I didn’t, not if it meant doing it alone, and he said, “you wouldn’t be, we’d be hanging out together.”
I still don’t know that I’d want to live that long, though he touched a nerve– the reason I don’t want to live forever is that I don’t want to do it without bringing the people I love into the future with me.
This blog touches upon the question of why a big ole egg head like me takes the time to explain my research in lay terms. Although I may struggle highlighting the importance and laying out the big picture, it isn’t a waste of time. It is very important that my work means something to my family and friends. The impact of science on non-scientists underlies the greater significance of science.
I too am happier for having you in my life.
like you said, they don’t like it? bite me.
but be funny again next week, okay? cuz i’m also happy to be laughing in front of my computer.
Mind if I share a “stepper’s” tangent on this?
“Stepper” being someone who implements the 12-steps in his life regularly.
So… you know those sound bites of profound wisdom and revelation one picks up at unexpected times and in unexpected places?
I receive them frequently. So I am in an AA meeting a few years ago in another city. It is one guy’s turn to share who says, “My sponsor always asks me 2 questions when he sees me… 1: How are you doing? 2: How are the people around you doing?”
Q 1 is logical and has pretty much become so routine, it is empty and superficial. But none the less, it is often asked with genuine inquisitiveness and can be answered truthfully…. although we can often filter things out when we are self-evaluation and just conclude we are “fine”.
Q2 is far more telling. Or rather, the honest answer to Q2 is far more telling.
Basically…. Q2 is asking how your relationships are. In my experience, the most meaningful barometer of a person’s life is the condition and quality of one’s relationships.
If we are emotionally and mentally well, we are usually capable of maintaining and growing healthy, functioning relationships.
Conversely, if most or all of our relationhships are a disaster, chances are we really ought to look more closely at the real answer to Q1.
The 2 question outlook really has absolutely nothing to do with money or anything else. It is really about truth of how we are expressed in the quality of our relationships.
Does this not further indicate the importance of relationships in our lives?
If Q2 had been, how are you doing financially? It would have far less meaning reflected back on the truth of Q1… wouldnt it?
I know lots of rich assholes. I know no assholes with consistently good relationships.
So we really ought to value them accordingly.
Ciao.
Chaz
lovely post laura.
love is all you need & people to share it with.
(though of course we all need shelter, food clothing, love and work too)!
-Jen:)
Well said Laura. Your post brought tears to my eyes! We are looking forward to seeing you around New Years!
Love, JennaW