A few men I’ve dated have gone on to become minimally to somewhat famous. The other day, I was watching CNN and up popped an attorney I had dinner with a few times before unceremoniously dumping. It was right after my divorce, I just couldn’t “do” a relationship. Now, the guy’s got his own show.
Largely, my marginally well-known exes are comedians. When I was in college, I worked at a comedy club and so, like many of my waitressing colleagues, enjoyed the opportunity to be romanced by overly ambitious funnymen. These days, I see lots of them waxing philosophic on those VH1 countdown shows or starring in their own thirty-minute Comedy Central standup showcases. One comic I dated was “this close” to hitting it super big in the ‘00s while another became a stadium-sized rock star blazing through the comedy stratosphere. There was even a moment with an Oscar winner.
Really, I’m not bragging. Quite the contrary. When I see these guys on television or in movies, two defeatist thoughts surface in my mind:
Should I have stuck with one of them? And two, am I a big loser?
I’ve been mostly happy with my romantic life. I’ve had a marriage, a fairly lengthy string of hearty romances and one or two true loves. But I wonder if a more ambitious partner might have helped me achieve some of my professional goals. Maybe he would’ve turned up the dial even more on my own ambition. The more excruciating question is whether or not I’m a big loser for not having achieved these goals on my own. Some women would feel fantastic knowing they were once the cat’s meow for men marvelous enough to reach some level of national acclaim. But when you’re the kind of gal whose identity is pumped up by her own successes, and not those of her other half, it’s challenging to feel anything but envy when an ex’s mug is all over CNN.
But really, I didn’t choose the lawyer or any of these men because we just didn’t connect. Thus, I should wish these fellas a silent good luck and be on my merry way.
I guess, like every freakin’ lesson in life, this has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me. I feel envy because of what’s missing in my world and it’s all up to me to find and fix it. I know “it” has something to do with carving out my own little place on the cultural landscape. Presumably, the challenge is not to look up so much to see what everyone else is doing.
So, I’ll stick to my real loves and true connections, and continue working toward my goals in my less than Type-A fashion. And if I ever need to wonder ‘what if,’ I’ll just turn on the TV.
I think this is very much a female thing, as I’ve know so many women that list “high ambition”, “successful career”, and “financially secure” among the top 5 traits that they look for in a partner. I don’t know of a single man that wants or expects any of these things. ( I left a 10 year long term relationship with a very bright and talented surgeon, because emotionally she was never going to be on the same page as me, so I moved on to look for a partner that would be. )
I also think that career success is largely a result of opportunity and luck. Often it’s the luck of knowing the right people or being in the right place at the right time. Having talent helps, but having available opportunities come your way is far more important.
I feel ya, sister. My ex is now a neurosurgeon and every once in a while, when I’m a little down on myself, I find myself bringing that up in conversation. Like “Yeah, I may be looking pretty lame now, but that hot, sexy brain surgeon thought I was the shit! Once. A long time ago.”
Then I feel silly for basing my self worth on the career of a disconnected narcissist. I’m better off without him, and he without me. But it’s still nice to say it sometimes.
I comfort myself knowing that Halle, Scarlett, Meryl, Madonna, Salma, Reese, Penelope, Tyra, Sandra, Angelina, well too many to really list, owe some of their success to my calming influence during their early rise to stardom. In reality I feel if you tie your self worth to someone elses accomplishments, you are always going to be disappointed. My opinion of myself is mostly based upon what my family and children think of me. Yes I do feel doubt, but when I get home and my toddler son smiles at me, who cares what others think or have done. The only other option is to date out and out losers, so you’ll never need to worry that they will become something.
Hi All,
Yes, the idea of choosing someone because of their success is probably never a good idea. In fact, many people who are monstrously successful may have become so because they focused all of their passion, love, energy and time on achievement. Relationship, especially being engaged deeply in one, was probably not a priority.
You just never know what it will or would have been like. If the connection isn’t there, what’s the point? A life of wealth and glamour — but no magic? They make it all look great on TV, but I’m sure it isn’t nearly so much fun when the cameras turn off.
As for the comic/rock star/Oscar winner, maybe they would be on the road all year and just check in for the holidays. Maybe they’re be in and out of rehab. Maybe not. You could say all the same for a philosopher truck driver with a heart of gold. Maybe being with a highly ambitious partner would inspire you to greater ambitions, but maybe feeling true love with Mr. Minimum Wage would inspire you to achieve something even better. You just never know. No, you are not a loser.
Thanks for your comment, Jeff! Yes, it’s true. Who knows what the future might have brought. Truly, there’s no regret, though sometimes you do wonder.
I DO, however, have problems when I see an ex (or someone I wish I had a relationship with) who is happy in her life without me. And then I really do think: That could have been me she is happy with. Ouch.
Still, maybe with me, she wouldn’t have been happy, I wouldn’t have been happy, and nothing would have been right. Still, it’s hard to not feel regret, longing, and all that stuff that makes me sad.
I liked your advisable tips in this post
I would like to read your articles again.
http://meetsomeonefun.com/
Thanks,
Colette Knight