There must be something horribly wrong with me because Johnny Depp has always left me cold. Sure, if he snuck into my bedroom begging for some lovin’, I wouldn’t tell him to take a hike. But here he is, People’s Sexiest Man Alive again and I’m like, “whatev.”
I never agree with People’s choices around beauty and sexiness. Boring Pierce Brosnan? Frat Boy Affleck? Two-time Sexiest winner Brad Pitt’s another hunk about whom I’ve always been lukewarm. I was down with former Sexiest Men Denzel and Clooney, and still consider JFK, Jr. one of the sexiest men to have ever walked the planet. But the rest of People‘s choices…yawn.
So what better thing to do on a cold Sunday afternoon than sit around deciding who the sexiest men in the world are. Here’s my list.
Edward Norton – He’s scrawny and has a receding chin, but Edward deserves the clichéd “best actor of his generation” title. Ol’ Ed must have something in the sexiness department considering he scored babes Rosario Dawson in 25th Hour and Salma Hayek in real life. Anyone who can make a neo-Nazi hot definitely deserves to be on some list.
Barack Obama – Nobel Prize winner. Devoted family man. Coolest American president who ever lived. Obama is the epitome of sexiness. Now, if he can just pass health care.
David Letterman – Yep. Dave. In high school, I had a major crush on him. He doesn’t offer much in the looks department but the dry, quirky, somewhat mean-spirited wit adds more to his appeal than a pretty face ever could. Plus, you can see in the way he flirts with female guests and fawns over Julia Roberts’ mouth that there’s a love monster within the geek’s body. This latest scandal only proves my point.
Javier Bardem – I saw him a couple times in Madrid and he came off as one of those “serious” actors who think smelling bad is a sign of artistic depth. Seems he doesn’t bathe. Still, Javier’s intensity is the stuff of dirty dreams. His fights with Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona made you believe co-dependent, mind-fucking romances are the way to go. Even with that weird Coen brothers haircut in No Country for Old Men, Javier’s the bee’s knees.
This Guy Who Rides My Bus – I really need to get over my attraction to tattooed, messily gorgeous meatheads who chain smoke and work in sandwich shops. The one who rides my bus every morning was recently reading a Dummies guide on raising ferrets. Upgrade, Laura, upgrade.
Ewan McGregor – He wears makeup and skirts, sings in musicals and shows his butt all the time in films. Ewan is the cute, wacky class clown who just happens to be easy on the peepers. While his sexier peers have fallen off the cultural radar (Jude Law anyone?) Ewan keeps showing up and giving his all in decent flicks. He ought to instruct his friend Jude on the finer points of career longevity and how not to shag nannies.
Djimon Hounsou – Remember how great Janet Jackson looked in her black-and-white music video, “Love Will Never Do Without You?” I don’t because I was too busy staring at Djimon Hounsou. He’s one of those lucky bastards who gets to look incredible and have talent. Only a god like Djimon could distract anyone from the sexy powder keg also known as Leo DiCaprio, but he did it in Blood Diamond. Then he had to ruin it and marry that Kimora Simmons witch. What a loss…
Lenny Kravitz – When I lived in New York, a friend of a friend was subletting an apartment in Soho. Lenny Kravitz supposedly lived across the street. For a time, five of my girlfriends and I were seriously considering taking on several jobs and living in the cramped place together just to see Lenny walk by the window in his Calvins. Though he hasn’t made an interesting album in a decade and his lyrics are kinda dumb (“my mama said that your life is a gift/my mama said there’s much weight you will lift”), not much more comes to mind when looking at that face than sex.
Don Draper – A handsome as hell, emotionally remote, psychologically tortured cad who can’t keep it in his pants? What a dreamboat! I refuse to read articles about or watch interviews of Jon Hamm, the actor who plays him, because I have a feeling he’s actually a likeable and even shy person. I prefer scumbags like Draper.
Freddie Ljungberg – He’s a Swedish football player. He did ads for Calvin Klein underwear. If there’s any confusion as to why he’s the sexiest man alive, please refer to the southern portion of the aforementioned ad.