Once upon a time, there was a handsome boy named Mel Gibson. He was a poor boy with only his dreams to keep him company, until one day on his way to market, a stranger handed him five beans.
“If you plant them overnight,” said the stranger, “by next morning they’ll grow high enough to touch the sky.”
Delighted, Mel ran home and tossed the beans into the garden. The next morning, he looked out his window and saw a giant stalk stretching up as far as the eye could see.
“Holy smokes,” said Mel.
The little boy climbed and climbed until finally he reached a place called Hollywood , a magical land with castles and twinkling stars on sidewalks. But Mel was most surprised to find a beautiful maiden standing beside him.
“Young Mel,” said the maiden. “You shall become a hunky prankster who makes award-winning films and slews of zany, action-packed blockbusters with Joe Pesci. Some of your movies will be crap, like the one with Goldie Hawn where everyone gets to see how hairy your butt is, but mostly, you shall stay relevant while simultaneously raising a family with a loving wife.”
Oh, how delighted Mel was!
“However,” warned the maiden. “You must beware the giant who lives in yonder castle. For he will take all that is yours.”
As the maiden predicted, Mel became a Tinseltown prince and met happiness beyond his wildest dreams. Nearly everything our fair prince touched made the people of the land shout, “hooray, Mel, hooray!”
Then one day, unbeknownst to his friends in the village, Mel heard the giant call.
“Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of a handsome stud.”
Bounding from his castle, the giant bellowed, “Behold, my name is Mental Illness. I come to force you into impulsive actions and devilish mood swings. You shall see yourself as a victim of circumstance and show frequent displays of inappropriate anger. You shall abuse yourself and others, drink yourself into oblivion and completely destroy your relationships. The lunacy you feel and terror you wreak on those you love will be beyond measure.”
The giant’s wife came frantically from the castle door to offer Mel special pills to make the giant go away, but the poor lad refused to take them.
Mel was sad. He had all the riches in the world. But he was lonely way up at the top of his beanstalk without a friend in the world. Besides, there was a mean old giant chasing him!
Then one day, Mel met a princess. Alas, he had found a true friend, a love to take care of his wounded heart and comfort his aching soul.
But was she an evil princess who only wanted Mel’s riches or a loving one tangled in the mire of his madness? Surely, the princess should be saved from Mel’s wrath. Yet, why was she so happy to tell the people of the land (and TMZ) what a maniacal freak Mel was, even though she was the mother of his newborn child?
Meanwhile, Mel was no longer able to create artistic treasures the villagers enjoyed and they had turned against him long before. Thus, the giant visited Mel again and again. But the villagers only laughed, unaware of the giant’s hold on their once beloved prince and without concern for the danger the giant could cause to those who crossed Mel’s path, including a woman and child.
“Let them laugh.” The giant was pleased. “No one in the land will know whether you are truly a racist, misogynist, fanatically religious schmuck or whether it is only I who feeds you such ire. They will laugh at you, and as well they should, because you’re being a friggin’ a-hole. But they shall never acknowledge the hell it is to live with a giant, nor offer understanding or help to those who do.”
Will Mel slay the giant? Will he ever again find happiness at the top of his beanstalk? Or will he slide back down into oblivion?
Stay tuned, kiddies.
Read Full Post »