The University of Texas has released a report suggesting the romantic lives of curvaceous women are destined to revolve around one-night stands, extramarital affairs and general whoredom. After interviewing 375 males and females, the research team concluded “men categorize women with attractive, curvy bodies as short-term partners, whereas a woman with a pretty face would more likely be considered for a long-term relationship.” Something about fertility.
Curves? I got ‘em. But my shape is only numero uno on the list of strikes against me. I’m also a woman of color, which we recently discovered means I’m more likely to provoke yawns than proposals from the average dude.
Studies similar to U of T’s have long confirmed smart women make rotten marriage material and are even considered less desirable by some guys. Then years back, a Forbes writer came along begging men to steer away from career-driven women with degrees because they suck as mothers and screw around. Professional goals and college education? Guilty as charged.
Man, what was wrong with my first husband? What kind of freak wants a good-looking woman with a nice shape and personality? My only hope is that his next wife is an ugly dog with a brain the size of a salt granule. I’m thinking of going down to the next Tea Party rally to see if I can find him a date.
Fortunately, I’m in no hurry to retie the knot. But when I am ready to convince Mr. Right to marry me, I now have a plan: get a breast and butt reduction, grow a mustache and hit myself in the head with a hammer to snuff out the smarts flitting around my brain. That way, my man can appreciate me for the scrawny, average-looking dipshit I’ve always longed to be.