Anyone who believed in the Rapture must be bummed today. Who wouldn’t look forward to the end of the world in which most of humanity is left to burn in the fiery bowels of Hell? Personally, I was hoping for the Blondie version of Rapture, where we’d see the man from Mars eatin’ cars and eatin’ bars where the people meet. That’d be cool. Especially if Fab Five Freddy showed up.
Undoubtedly, few events are more disappointing than not getting to meet your Lord as planned. And imagine Monday morning at the office for these people, particularly those who’ve been smug about their impending visit to Heaven.
“So, Jerry, how’d that whole ‘Second Coming’ work out for you?” Embarrassing.
In an effort to provide some support, I’d like to suggest a few goals these folks can work toward in the aftermath of their botched Rapture. Get back on the ol’ horse, I say. None of these ideas are as exciting as Christ’s return to Earth though they’re much easier to pull off.
Call out some prominent person as the Antichrist.
A basic end of the world scenario which hasn’t been used for eons. The upside is there’s no need to have well-founded evidence. You could virtually pick a name out of a hat. Obviously Sarah Palin would make a fab Antichrist selection, but I assume many of our Rapturous friends dig the former governor. The best choice would be a thoroughly vile person whose public life is so utterly meaningless that it wouldn’t be a loss if they break under the pressure and disappear. My vote: Snooki.
One word: Technology.
Fundamentalists have to update their brand. All this Armageddon hoo-hah tires older people and barely resonates with younger fans. If everybody and their grandmother are online, then that’s how to reach the public. Why not suggest there are Satanic messages filtering through the public airwaves? Maybe call the IPad the Devil’s writing tablet. In fact, why not just tag Steve Jobs as the Antichrist? Considering how long I have to wait for messages to upload on my IPhone, he just may be.
Announce Jesus is already among us.
Tell the world Christ is already walking the planet and drop clues about where he might be. Say he was seen crossing the Arabian Desert then a month later, leak a photo of a bearded guy walking across a lake in Cleveland. Everyone will become intensely fascinated and look forward to each new clue. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo? Fun for the whole family!
See, Rapturists? There’s still hope of making a difference.
You know, when I was in first grade, a friend brought me to a church group where I was instructed to invite Jesus Christ into my heart. They didn’t have to ask me twice. The thought of having my own personal savior to accompany me through the travails of existence seemed an awesome way to start life. I prayed my itty bitty heart out and begged Jesus to come inside. Nada.
As I got older, my spiritual quest continued as did my curiosity about Jesus. To me, Christ was a fascinating historical figure, a great spiritual leader and a deeply complex man who accepted doubt as an inevitable consequence of human life. I find it hard to believe a guy who preached universal love would bring only a handful of meatheads to Heaven and leave the rest of us to rot.
I kinda wish my version of Jesus would’ve dropped in on May 21st. We could totally use the help.
[Image of “Praising Prairie Dogs” by Anthony Falbo from http://www.falboart.com/Light_Dark_Series/lightdark.htm%5D